The 4 Types Of Mentors And The Best Kind Of Mentoring Relationships
Originally published by Forbes.com.
You probably skip past the Acknowledgements section whenever you read a book, but I suggest you grab the latest business book you’ve cracked open and take a closer look. Sure, the authors always thank their spouse, children, parents, and other family members—but there is one other group of individuals who are often front and center in those thank yous: mentors!
Just about every successful person you can think of didn’t get to that level of success alone. They had the help of experienced individuals who took them under their wing, imparted hard-won knowledge, and fostered that person’s growth.
And still, despite the ubiquity of the mentor-mentee relationship, only 76% of people understand the real benefits of bringing on a mentor, and less than half of those people—37%—actually go through the process to become a mentee. How often do we overlook the half-page of mentor names at the back of every book? It’s so easy to look past the crucial impact mentoring has had on shaping the world around us.
Those stats above come from Ruth Gotian, mentoring expert and co-author, along with Andy Lopata, of The Financial Times Guide to Mentoring, which was released this spring. Dr. Ruth Gotian has had a storied career, personally coaching and mentoring thousands of people ranging from undergraduates to faculty members. She is the Chief Learning Officer, Associate Professor of Education in Anesthesiology, and former Assistant Dean of Mentoring and Executive Director of the Mentoring Academy at Weill Cornell Medicine. She has been hailed by the journal Nature and Columbia University as an expert in mentoring and leadership development—in 2021 she won the Thinkers50 Distinguished Achievement “Radar” Award, ranking her as the #1 emerging management thinker in the world.
I spoke with Gotian about mentoring, what makes a good mentor, what prospective mentees should look for in a mutually beneficial relationship, and the reasons behind working with a team of mentors rather than a single one.
Types of mentors
The book describes four types of mentors out there—great mentors, good ones, vanilla ones, and just plain bad ones, which she calls “tormentors.” The bad mentors might not necessarily know they’re bad, and that “tormenting” is likely not purposeful, but in some cases, the relationship can actually do more harm to the mentee’s growth than good.
“Those who are mentored outperform and get promoted more often than those who don’t,” she says. Mentees are “five times more likely to get promoted.” That’s what makes finding the right mentor so important. Here’s a breakdown of the various types of mentors:
Tormentors – These mentors usually give their mentees busy work, not working with them directly or letting them collaborate with others. They may be too wrapped up in their own work to help their mentee, and those frequent delays can hold mentees back. In extreme cases, these can also be the “mentors” who yell and harass their mentees. In many cases, this is due to a lack of confidence in themselves; good mentors measure their own success by the success of their mentees.
Vanilla mentors – These mentors are neither very good nor bad; they do the work and they seem to go through a fair number of mentees, but they’re not really propelling those folks forward. There’s a stagnation at play here, and unfortunately, those who have a bad mentor are less likely to look for a new mentor; the process hasn’t been all too beneficial for them, so why would they seek it out again?
Good mentors – Mentors deserving of such a title utilize what the book calls the “ice cream approach.” In addition to being empathetic and responsive to their mentees’ needs, good mentors should Introduce, Connect, Engage, Create opportunities, Reply, Encourage, Amplify, and Motivate. Those aspects are the core of good mentorship.
Great mentors – Finally, exceptional mentors cover what the good ones do, and then take it a step further. These are the mentors preparing their mentees multiple steps in advance, teaching skills, providing perspectives, and introducing them to the people who will benefit them down the road. The best mentors have their eyes set on the horizon and know how to get their mentees from where they are now to a state of realized potential in the future.
Why use a mentoring team rather than one mentor
Every mentor, even the great ones, has weaknesses in addition to their strengths, which is why the book recommends mentees work with a team of mentors rather than relying on a single person to facilitate their growth. Like in sports, Gotian points out, you have dedicated coaches, people who have something specific they’re very good at and can pass that knowledge on—in baseball, there are hitting coaches, pitching coaches, base coaches, and so on.
Dr. Gotian shared, “No one person can give you everything you need. Most people are waiting to find the perfect mentor, but there’s no such thing as somebody who’s perfect and aligns with everything that you need. A team of mentors can offer you different perspectives, provide access to different networks, and help you develop different skills.”
The book recommends seeking out mentors that complement each other—Nobel Prize winners and Olympic champions surround themselves with teams of mentors, so there’s no reason to limit yourself to just one person who can fill that role in your life. And while a mentoring relationship with multiple individuals at once is beneficial, in some cases people will take on mentors sequentially rather than simultaneously.
After all, what a person needs in a mentor near the beginning of their career is not the same as what they’ll need farther down the road. “Mentors weave in and out of your life,” Gotian says. “And somebody who is a critical mentor to you in your 20s can be a great friend in your 40s. You’ll need somebody else who can take you to that next level.”
Why your boss shouldn’t be your mentor
While bosses naturally fill a leadership role and ideally impart valuable lessons to their employees, Gotian cautions against people being mentored by their bosses—at least, not solely by them.
“If the mentor does a really great job at mentoring you, your success will lead you to go somewhere else,” whether that be to a higher rank within the organization or outside the company entirely. That dynamic could lead to a less-than-ideal situation wherein the mentee moving on means that the boss would have to replace them or take on some of that work themselves once they leave. It could also encourage the mentor-boss to keep the mentee where they are for fear of losing them, turning what might have been a good mentorship situation into a “tormentor” dynamic where only low-level activities are passed on, keeping the employee where they are.
“And what happens when your boss leaves? If your boss is your mentor, if they leave, you’re stuck without a mentor,” Gotian says. She reiterates that mentors outside of the organization, from all walks of life, can benefit mentees by bringing in new perspectives. Having perspective both within and outside of a company is an important aspect of growth.
Formal mentoring or informal mentoring—what’s more beneficial?
According to the book, an astonishing 98% of Fortune 500 companies have established official mentoring programs. And while formal mentoring programs have their place—particularly as a launching pad or when an individual isn’t comfortable approaching potential mentors—she believes that informal mentorships are far more successful.
“61% of mentoring relationships happen organically,” Gotian says. “The challenge with mentoring programs is that the matches are often randomly made. The best mentoring relationships happen with people naturally jelling, and there has to be an exit ramp—that often doesn’t happen in formal programs.”
For those looking to continue their professional growth, finding a mentor, or more ideally a group of mentors, can seem daunting, but it’s a long and evolving process, so the best way through it is to dive in and figure out what you need. And for those of us who can get in our heads about asking for such a favor from someone else, the book reminds us: when these connections are made, and it’s a good mentor-mentee relationship, it’s mutually beneficial for both parties. Mentors want to find good mentees, too—no, great ones!