How To Give Feedback On Someone's Appearance

Originally published on Forbes.

One of the most awkward conversations you can have with a colleague in the workplace is about his or her appearance. As an executive coach, I’ve seen many leaders struggle with giving direct, honest feedback to support others’ performance and ongoing development. This pain point exists for leaders across all sectors and in organizations of all sizes and is exacerbated when something as personal as one’s appearance (or even hygiene) is the problem.  I’ve had to address such issues in my work, both with people who have worked with me directly, and have also relayed third-party feedback to this effect in the course of debriefing 360 interviews. I give feedback for a living, and yet addressing one’s personal appearance is still awkward and uncomfortable, because it is so….personal.

Why should appearance matter? A Yale University study by Daniel Hamermesh found that employers pay a beauty premium to attractive employees. While “beauty” is certainly subjective and our physical attributes like height, facial features, etc. are out of our control, we do have control over how we package (i.e., dress) and present ourselves. Personal appearance is one important facet of executive presence , the lack of which can hold someone back, regardless of the individual’s competence level or mastery of his or her job function. I have been asked to coach many leaders to develop their executive presence so they can get promoted to more senior positions.

One client, who had very senior-level clients and needed to develop more "gravitas," was holding herself back, in part, by the wearing too much makeup and jewelry and dressing more like she was going to a night club rather than to the board room. Another individual wore hot pink to a conservative financial services client, making the client question her judgment. Another client’s clothing was often too baggy and ill-fitting and did not convey the polished presentation that would inspire confidence with senior members of his organization and with clients.

While the specifics of the individual’s appearance may vary, here are some tips to address this type of sensitive feedback (or any difficult feedback, for that matter).

1. Start with positive intent: If personal appearance is the issue, the individual may have a blind spot where others see things that they do not.  Such a blind spot makes starting the conversation with positive intentions all that much more important and can help pre-empt any defensiveness or emotional reactions. It may sound something like:

“I’d like to help you gain the client’s confidence, so I’d like to talk about some things that would help with this…”

or

“I want to help you be successful here. Would you be open to a few thoughts I have that could help you?”

2. Be descriptive versus evaluative: There is a big difference between saying, “Your shirts and trousers are very baggy,” and “You look unprofessional.” The former is descriptive and more fact-based, while the latter is evaluative or judgmental (and also not helpful). Being descriptive also makes the feedback more specific, and therefore, more actionable.

3. Describe the impact: It’s important for the individual to understand why what you are telling them matters. How is it holding them back or getting in their way? Saying, “This diminishes your presence and credibility when presenting to the client” is likely to have them see why this feedback is worth listening to.

4. Engage the individual: Feedback should never be a one-way conversation. Make this a two-way conversation by getting the other person’s thoughts on the matter. Asking an open-ended question like, “What are your thoughts about this?” can give the other person an opportunity to share what they are thinking or feeling, or even provide you with information that you didn’t previously know that could be helpful in increasing your mutual understanding. Who knows? Perhaps they will say, “I recently lost some weight and haven’t had time to buy new clothes,” or “Many of my clothes got lost in my recent move, and I haven’t had time to go shopping.”

5. Discuss ideas for improvement: This helps the individual understand what “good” looks like and may include pointing them in the right direction in terms of resources or other helpful information. You might say something like, “I think having your clothes tailored would have you come across more polished to the client and would improve your presence and inspire confidence. I’d be happy to give you the name of a good tailor in the area. You can also engage a personal shopper at no cost at some of the nicer department stores.”

While it may be difficult and awkward, withholding such feedback because it is uncomfortable may be hurting the other person. After all, if you were doing something that was getting in the way of you being successful, wouldn’t you want to know about it?